Simply Oi!
by Andrew Joshua Talon
Summary: Silly parody of the Marriage Law Challenge, with bizarre couplings, snake babies, and Draco having a stroke! Enjoy the randomness!


****

Okay, I know, I'm terrible about finishing fan fictions, or even continuing them. But don't worry! This is another little project I'm going to work on the side of my bigger ones for when I'm bored.

Basically, I'm going to take the concepts of "An American Wizard teaching at Hogwarts", and the "MoM Marriage Law", toss them into a blender, and see what comes out.

The characters will not be amused.

****

You guys, however, will.

****

Completely ignores HBP, except for the fact that Snape's a half-blood.

----

"Woo. Staff meeting. Hoo-ray."

"Not like you have a hot date to miss," noted Professor Vector with a smirk on her face. Professor Anderson, the new American DADA, rolled his eyes and leaned back in his chair like a petulant child. His messy gray hair and boyish face did little to discourage the look.

"What's the latest on him again?" Whispered Sinestra to Flitwick. The Charms teacher grinned.

"Well, he's a friend with the goblin confederacy, so it looks like the odds on him are better than the last. Would you like to change your wager?"

"I still say he'll last only to Easter," the Astronomy teacher noted mildly. Hagrid and Anderson had begun debating about the outcome of a fight between an acromantula and a griffin. The short-haired American felt that the griffin's speed and flight advantage would give it victory, to which Hagrid remarked that acromantulas were _plenty_ fast, and had the size advantage. Hooch was of the opinion that nothing could beat a dragon in combat, to which Anderson and Hagrid scoffed at. Firenze indicated that he'd seen both creatures in battle, but declined to comment on which had won, much to Anderson and Hagrid's disappointment. Professor Trelawny noted that such a contest bore bad omens for anyone who watched them and suggested that perhaps they watch out for fate a bit more carefully. Filch interjected that whatever the outcome of such a battle, he'd probably be left cleaning up after it, which gained him a lot of disbelieving looks.

At last, Albus Dumbledore, the headmaster, and Severus Snape, the Potions Master arrived. Snape sneered at Anderson, to which he just grinned back. Dumbledore sat, and looked over at the exasperated McGonnagal.

"Minerva? Something wrong?"

"Nothing," she muttered, looking somewhat put-out. Albus raised an eyebrow, but decided not to press the matter. He had picked up more than his fair share of bad luck with women in 150 years, after all, for saying dumb things.

"Now then, this meeting shall come to order," Dumbledore intoned like a grandfather clock. "Filius? Please read the minutes of the last meeting."

"Ahem… seven-o-clock, meeting is called to order. Seven-o-five, Professors Snape and Anderson engage in a duel over game rules. Seven-o-six, Professor Anderson is slapped repeatedly by Professor Vector for landing in her lap. Seven-o-seven, bets are taken on Professor Trelawney's latest attempt to seduce Professor Snape- Er, oh my. Excuse me, I seem to have made an error, these are the minutes of the last faculty poker game," the half-goblin professor admitted sheepishly. Anderson was attempting to smother his laughter, while Snape, at Trelawney's blushing smile directed at him, turned Slytherin green. Professor Vector simply glared at the two professors and muttered something to the effect of "_Men."_

Albus rolled his eyes.

"Yes, well then… I believe we will save that for another time. In any event, I trust you have all read today's _Prophet?"_

"I used it as toilet paper for my owl, if that's what you mean," remarked Professor Sinestra, of Astronomy, mildly. Nearly everyone (save Dumbledore, Snape and McGonnagal) descended into laughter.

"Yes, well… Fawkes seems to prefer the _New York Times,_ but in any event," Dumbledore observed, pulling out an impressive-looking envelope, and opening it up while he spoke. "The new Marriage Laws put into effect earlier this summer are now affecting us."

"Congratulations, Minerva and Headmaster!" Anderson cheered. The headmaster and deputy headmistress both turned scarlet, as most of the rest of the faculty stared at Anderson. He shrugged.

"What?"

Dumbledore recovered first.

"Well… Thank you for the sentiment, Joshua, however, I'm afraid that Minerva and I are not engaged."

McGonnagal coughed something that made Albus blush slightly, before the elder wizard composed himself. Snape smirked nastily at the sheepish-looking Anderson.

"I called this meeting regarding the Ministry's latest selections for this round of marriages, designed to introduce new blood into pureblood lines."

"Or get Snape to lose his virginity," Anderson muttered. Snape bristled, while Trelawny smiled in an entirely-too-happy way. Dumbledore raised an eyebrow at Anderson, before turning back to the letter.

"Ahem… By order of Ministry of Magic General Decree 674, section three, paragraph six, in order to produce a stronger, more talented generation of new wizards and witches for the good of the magical world, the following official marriages have been arranged by the Ministry's Department of Bloodlines. The impending nuptials of Halfblood Professor Severus Snape, to Muggleborn Hermione Granger-"

"_WHAT!"_ The walls shook as Snape bellowed in horror. The other teachers looked astonished, surprised, and not the least bit disgusted. Trelawny was now sobbing hysterically, asking how she could have missed this happening? Dumbledore himself looked taken aback by Snape's outburst.

"Severus? Could you please calm-"

"_HEADMASTER! FOR GOD'S SAKE! SHE'S SIXTEEN! A STUDENT!"_ Snape roared, paler than usual. "_WHAT DO THEY THINK I AM, A PEDOPHILE!"_

Anderson was too shocked to take advantage of that statement. Dumbledore coughed, and hesitantly handed Snape a thick sheet of paperwork on the marriage. Snape tore into it, reading frantically, clearly trying to find a loophole.

"Er, yes… The next arranged marriage is between Pureblood Ginny Weasly, to Halfblood Professor Joshua Anderson-"

"_YOU'RE JOKING!" _Anderson shouted, his blue eyes wide. "Please, Headmaster? You're joking, right? Please? _Please?_"

"I am afraid that I am quite serious," Dumbledore sighed, handing Anderson the paperwork. The American flipped through it as well, looking far paler than usual. His hair, which had become prematurely gray due to a charms accident in school, seemed to begin turning white.

"Albus, this can't be true! These girls… They're underage…" McGonnagal protested, looking as horrified as the two men. Dumbledore sighed.

"This is not even the worst of it… In short, they have engaged Harry Potter to Narcissa Malfoy, Ronald Weasley to Pansy Parkinson, Neville Longbottom to Hannah Abbott…"

"Wait, wait, wait," protested McGonnagal. "Weren't they attempting to introduce Muggle blood into pureblood families? Then why have Snape, a half-blood, marry a Muggleborn like Miss Granger?"

"Apparently, they are also focusing on producing wizards and witches with much stronger talents. Miss Granger is, indeed, a most intelligent and talented witch. Her genes, combined with Severus's, would hopefully result in a child with both their talents and a greater potential-Joshua, _please_ stop beating your head against the table. You will not make a good husband with brain damage," Dumbledore observed lightly, as Anderson continued to slam his face into the hard wooden surface.

"Nngh… I _want _brain damage…"

"Headmaster, surely, there are some legal grounds to contest this from!" Snape pleaded, looking uncharacteristically terrified. Sinestra, looking somewhat bitter, snorted at Snape.

"What are you afraid of, Severus? I must say, most other men in your place would be thrilled to have a hot schoolgirl as your wife!"

"_Are you mad!_ I'll be lucky if she doesn't _annoy _me into putting my wand to my head with an _Avada Kedavra!_ She's an insufferable know-it-all _brat!_"

"Plus, she'll probably hex you into another time zone when she finds out," Anderson commented, pausing in his attempt to inflict fatal injury to himself. Snape glowered.

"Like marrying the _Weasley_ brat is any better!"

"I'm not worried about that. I'm worried about what _her family_ will do to me when they find out. Molly's going to put me into an urn, and _then_ she'll cremate me!" Anderson moaned. "WHY is Fudge doing this!"

"I suspect it is to torment those responsible for bringing Voldemort's return to light to the public. Fudge was, of course, humiliated. That, and the insistence of the Pureblood families to provide them with new blood for their own, more than likely devious, purposes," Dumbledore disclosed.

"Please, tell me no more faculty members are on that list?" Vector pleaded.

"Well… You _were_ assigned to be married to Sirius Black, Victoria, but given his recent passing…" Dumbledore trailed off as Vector looked devastated.

"_DAMNIT!_ I could have had that stud muffin! ARGH!"

"Screw this," Anderson growled. "I may be a naturalized citizen of Great Britain, but I'm still an American damnit! If anybody needs me, I'll be home in Massachusetts."

"Er… They have the authority to extradite you and bring you to your wedding by force, if necessary," Dumbledore pointed out. Anderson groaned, before looking over at Snape.

"Ho-kay… In that case… Severus? Can you whip up some Felix Faust?"

"For…?" Snape prompted.

"Storming the Ministry and overthrowing Fudge, to abolish this ridiculous law," Anderson answered straight faced. The rest of the table gawked at him-While Snape looked thoughtful.

"How much would we need?" The Potions master asked.

"Severus! Joshua!" McGonnagal scolded.

"_What?_ C'mon! It wouldn't be any trouble! I've done this sort of thing before…" Anderson coughed. "Shouldn't have said that… But this is ludicrous! I say we instigate a coup and set things right!"

"I must say, I, too, would like to express my displeasure with the Minister's most _recent_ transgressions. _Personally,_" Snape growled.

"Here here!" Xiamora Hooch seconded.

Dumbledore sighed heavily.

"We will _not_ overthrow the government."

"Overthrow? Heck no. We'd just… Clean it up a bit, that's all," Anderson intoned. Dumbledore sighed, and stood.

"I have a confession to make… It was I who arranged your particular marriages." The conference room went silent. Dumbledore smiled sadly.

"If you wish to curse me now, I am sure I deserve it, but please tolerate me for a moment longer, just to explain my actions?"

"Two minutes, Headmaster," Snape hissed through clenched teeth, looking as though he _dearly_ wished to draw his wand. Anderson simply looked as though his eyes would burst out of his head in shock. Dumbledore took a deep breath.

"Filius, start the clock… I became aware of the law a mere month before it was passed, and my influence within the Wizenmagot is still not as it was before Voldemort's return. I was only able to add to the bill that the couples selected would go before the Wizenmagot assembly before being approved." Dumbledore took another deep breath, looking suddenly very old. McGonnagal stealthily reached out and squeezed his hand for a moment, to lend him some of her support. He nodded and smiled slightly at her, before resuming:

"It came to my attention that Lucius Malfoy, no doubt through underhanded means, has secured his release from Azkaban. At the same time, he applied his influence in order to arrange himself a marriage to a young bride, and to divorce and humiliate his former wife Narcissa, for what reason I am still unaware. In any event, he selected Miss Granger for his own, and Miss Weasley for his son. I could not allow this to happen, but I could only argue on behalf of the idea that these unions would not produce powerful enough witches and wizards. I therefore proposed you two, as both of you are far more powerful than either Lucius or his son. Of course, I had arranged you two in order to protect the best interests of Miss Granger and Miss Weasley." Anderson mouthed "Best interests?" to Professor Flitwick, who looked quite frazzled himself.

"I don't suppose we could declare ourselves gay and be exempt, could we?" Snape simpered. Anderson blinked and considered the idea.

"Well, that'd be a stretch for me, but _you…_ What? I didn't say anything? What?" Snape looked positively homicidal.

"Severus, for the _final time,_ there will be _no_ killing in the staff room during meetings," Dumbledore said firmly. He turned to the rest of the staff. "In any event, we must all do our part to ensure that the student body is smoothly transitioned into their marriages. Minerva, Pomona, Selene, and Xiamora: I'd like all four of you to hold meetings with the girls in your houses. I believe Joshua, Severus, Filius and myself can easily take care of the boys of our houses." Dumbledore sighed, and rubbed his face in exhaustion.

"I assure you all, as I will assure the students, that I will be doing everything in my power to get this law revoked. It has already started quite a stir among among the general wizarding population: I can only assume it will be worse here." Dumbledore sighed deeply again, the twinkle in his eyes dimmed.

"Until then… I suggest we all do what we can for our students. That is all…"

-----

"_Castrato! Castrato! Castrato!"_

"AAAUGH! MISS GRANGER! WOULD YOU-ACK! BLOODY-WAH! STOP THIS INST-YEARGH!" Snape ran, screaming like a little girl, as a furious Hermione Granger let loose some _particularly_ well-chosen spells, curses, and hexes against the Potions Master. He would have sought refuge in the Slytherin common room, however, Miss Granger had sealed it off to him in her wrath. Considering the shrieks of anguish from the boy who _tried_ to open the Common Room before him, he _really_ had no wish to see what is was, exactly, the Muggleborn had placed upon the doorway.

He glowered at the laughing Sinestra as he ran through the dungeons once again, still being pursued, before he finally made it into his office and slammed the door shut. It was blasted to splinters very easily, as the terrifying Hermione Granger stalked into his office. Snape distinctively felt like crying for his mommy, and did so, just before Hermione sealed the door and put a silencing charm on it.

A few minutes later, a still-furious looking Hermione had barged out of the office, headed for Dumbledore's chambers… leaving a whimpering Potions Master hiding under his desk. Peeves chose this moment to take a picture of the humbled Snape, and the laughter of the student body had never been harder.

-----

Ron sipped his tea. So did Pansy.

The tall boy sighed and looked out from the balcony over the wide green hills below. Pansy studied her tea cup.

"I can't believe I have to hide up here with the likes of you," she murmured bitterly, though with less venom. Ron made a face.

"Imagine how I feel."

The door, blocked with a gargoyle Ron had lifted from a battlement, continued to be pounded upon.

"_RONALD BILLIUS WEASLEY! YOU GET YOUR ARSE DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!"_ Screeched Ron's mother.

"_PANSY! GET HERE RIGHT NOW SO WE CAN PLAN THE BLOODY WEDDING!"_ Screamed Pansy's mother.

"How long do you think they'll keep this up?" Pansy asked conversationally. Ron shrugged. He was amazed at how civil Pansy had been to him, sharing the Imperturbable Balcony that many Slytherin students had used for… Private time. It was now their refuge from this ridiculous marriage act.

"Until we run out of food, I'd imagine," Ron shrugged, scarfing a chocolate frog. Pansy rolled her eyes at the huge sack of sweets and junk food Weasley had brought with them, and continued sipping the tea and nibbling at the biscuits she'd brought.

"That won't be long, with how you're shoveling it all down," she noted snarkily. Ron glowered at her.

"Healthy appetite, healthy man, _Parkinson."_

"I'd like to see proof, _Weasel,"_ Pansy shot back. Ron glared at her. She glared at him.

They went back to sipping tea.

----

Draco looked fit to have a stroke, he was convulsing in disgust and horror.

"Now Draco, don't treat your step-father like that!" Narcissa admonished. Next to her, a very nervous-looking Harry Potter stood. He jumped, before taking a deep breath.

"Please, Mrs. Malfoy-"

"It's _Narcissa,_ dear," The blonde corrected, glaring at him. Harry gulped.

"Do you, _Narcissa,_ _really_ have to pinch my bum every five seconds?"

"It'd be a crime _not_ to pinch those firm, round cheeks," Narcissa replied with a lecherous smile. Harry blushed Weasley red… before noticing that Malfoy was turning green and flopping on the hard stone floor of the Hogwarts hallway like a fish out of water. A very Slytherin smirk emerged on his face.

"I know of a few things I'd like to pinch," he said in a low, smooth, seductive voice. Narcissa actually blushed. Draco screamed in horror and curled up into a ball, sucking his thumb.

The couple did not even pretend to notice.

-----

"Hmph! If your brother is going to be a _baby_ about his nuptials, I suppose, Ginny dear, we'll have to start with you," Molly Weasley growled, shooting a glare up at the roof of Anderson's DADA classroom. Anderson, at his desk, pounded his head, while next to him, Ginny was blushing hard enough to be cleared as an airport beacon.

"Now then, Joshua? If you are to be my son-in-law, you are _not_ to pound your head like that!" Molly commanded. Joshua reluctantly ceased and resolutely looked at the back of the classroom.

"Joshua, look at your fiancé," Molly ordered impatiently. He grimaced, and looked at Ginny, who looked down at the floor. Molly sighed in exasperation.

"Virginia, _please_ look at your fiancé!" Ginny raised up her eyes, still blushing like a tomato. Joshua coughed and leaned back in his chair… Before losing his balance.

"WAH!"

__

Crash!

Both mother and daughter looked at each other, before looking back at Joshua, who was scrambling up to his feet.

"Er, sorry…"

Molly sighed. This was going to be harder than she thought…

----

Hannah gasped for breath. Neville did too.

They went back to their activities in the broom closet.

----

"Okay… Why am I marrying you again?" Harry asked Narcissa, across from him in the Slytherin Common Room. Narcissa shrugged.

"My son loathes you. In my eyes, that makes you perfect husband material. In addition… I need your protection." Harry blinked at the older woman.

"From…?" Narcissa gave him the look all men are familiar with: The "Since-You're-A-Man-I'll-Have-To-Use-Small-Words" look.

"My husband. Now that he's in jail, I can _finally_ get away from him and all his Dark Lord nonsense and his cheating on me with the same, and his fixation on snake sex toys…" Harry was beginning to match the green banners adorning the room as Narcissa went on about things he'd _never_, in a _million years,_ want to know about Lucius Malfoy and Voldemort.

"… and you wouldn't _believe_ just terrible he is in bed! The only time we had good sex was the night Draco was conceived, and after that it was always 'Take me, Dark Lord!' I suppose his long blonde hair should have been a tip-off, but really…" She shook her head and sighed deeply. She then smiled languidly.

"In any event, I am happy to finally get out of that bloody house and away from that bloody _poof._ I want _many_ children, Mr. Potter. _Many_." She smiled seductively, with made Harry blush bright Gryffindor red.

"The uniting of our family fortunes-The Blacks and Potters-will guarantee you the needed economic power to keep the Dark Lord from amassing any kind of funding for his operations. In addition, we will both never have to work again. And, I can give you all the information you could ever want on the Dark Lord's operations." Narcissa smiled and slowly, gracefully, slinked next to Harry, pressing lightly against him. She breathed in his ear, which basically turned his brain to mush.

"And… I am a scholar. I have memorized the Magical Kama Sutra. And I am very, _very…_frustrated," she purred. Harry, admittedly rather delirious by this point, saw Draco staring at he and his mother in shock. His inner Slytherin smirked.

"I believe, Narcissa, that this is the beginning," Harry murmured to her.

"Of?" Harry answered with a passionate kiss, relishing both the sensation and the sound of Draco screaming in abject horror before he passed out onto the floor. Again.

----

Hermione stalked out of the Headmaster's office, absolutely _pissed._ The portraits on the walls scurried away to less hostile viewpoints as she strode defiantly through the corridors. The air around her crackled from her barely-contained magical energy, just _aching_ to be let loose against some unsuspecting fool.

She turned a corner, and came face to greasy face with Severus Snape, who became whiter than a ghost at the sight of her furious face. He stammered slightly.

"Gr-Granger, I-"

"_BUGGER OFF._" She snarled in a terrifying voice. Snape shrieked and ran away, tail firmly tucked between his legs. Hermione shook her head and blew a stray curl out of her face.

__

They want me to make babies with that?

She shuddered, before taking a deep breath and turning away.

"Hermione?" She spun back, her wand out and ready to let loose a curse.

"Woah! At ease!" Remus Lupin gasped, raising his hands in surrender. Hermione gasped and lowered her wand.

"I'm sorry, Professor Lupin! I didn't mean to, but the thing is, er…"

"I saw Professor Snape running like the Devil himself were after him," Remus noted, a hint of a smile on his worn, but still young face. "I assume it has something to do with your impending nuptials?"

Hermione groaned.

"Yes, unfortunately. The bloody Ministry's pairing me up with that-that-Oooh! I can't _stand_ to think about it! It turns my stomach!" She shuddered. "I actually have to… To…"

"Yes, ahem… Indeed," Remus flushed slightly. "I was on my way to the Headmaster's, actually, to talk with him about this law."

"Oh?" Hermione asked, curious. Remus nodded and went on.

"Apparently, the Ministry forgot about werewolves in their little edict. They weren't even mentioned. So, it seems that I now can get married, legally, provided it's to the standards of the Ministry's genetics test." He chuckled slightly, missing the flash of inspiration that lit up Hermione's brown eyes. He did, however, notice the brilliant smile on the Muggleborn's face.

"Hermione? You allright?" Hermione's smile changed tone, and Remus gulped. She took his arm in her grasp and pulled him towards the headmaster's office.

"Yes, Remus-I can call you Remus, correct?-I'm all right." She contained a victory dance.

__

Better than all right!

----

"Now then… This is a very old magic custom, from many years ago, but it may just suit your situation," Molly began solemnly. Ginny and Joshua looked at each other, puzzled, before turning back to the Weasley matriarch. Molly nodded firmly.

"In the old days, some of our family members would fly on their brooms, for a whole day, while holding a piece of white cloth between them," Molly indicated it. She held it out, and both the DADA teacher and the student took it. Molly smirked.

"But, in this case, we're doing something a little different. _Morpho!"_ And in a flash of light, the shocked betrothed found themselves handcuffed to each other.

"WHAT!"

"MUM!"

Molly smiled cheerfully. "Now, you don't have to go on your brooms, but you _will_ stay like this. And don't bother trying to get free-The Headmaster loaned me it." With that, Molly turned away and walked back to the castle from the Quidditch pitch. Ginny and Joshua looked at each other bracingly.

"… She's this desperate for grandkids?" The American asked. Ginny sighed heavily.

"Bill and Fleur aren't ready yet… Charlie hasn't found anyone… Percy was turned impotent when he insulted Penelope's upbringing-"

"Ah. Wondered why he was so angry," Anderson noted. Ginny nodded.

"And, Fred and George are too interested in their joke shop for anything else, so yes, she's desperate." Ginny rolled her eyes.

"Should we just have sex and get it over with?" Anderson coughed.

"I mean, I'm sure you have more experience than I do… You've traveled all over the world…" Ginny prattled on. Anderson groaned.

"Ginny? Look: I am a virgin. Okay?" Ginny gaped at his blush.

"You… You are?"

"Yes."

"But… But _why?_"

"I… Well… I'm no good, when it comes to women… They, er… Scare me, you see. And, well…" Anderson sighed sadly, looking up at the sky.

"My mom and dad… They loved me and they were both killed in a fire… My grandparents, who looked after and loved me then were killed in a car accident. My first girlfriend got run over by a car, my second died of lung cancer, third choked on a turnip…" The American collapsed, pulling Ginny down to a sitting position.

"I started wondering, why bother anymore?" Joshua finished in a whisper. Ginny, her heart filled with compassion, took his hand. Joshua winced… Before looking around.

"… Nothing," he noted, looking puzzled. Ginny smiled.

"And there won't be. Promise."

----

"Bitch."

"Moron."

"Slut."

"Hothead."

"Strumpet."

"Imbecile."

Ron stared at Pansy. Pansy stared at Ron. Over the course of their argument, they'd steadily drawn closer and closer together. The Slytherin smirked and shook her head.

"Do you just want to snog and get it over with?"

"Sure."

----

All told, though the Ministry of Magic General Decree 674, section three, paragraph six, was derided as unconstitutional and eventually abolished, it succeeded in placing the majority of it's intended couples.

Harry and Narcissa had their fun in driving Malfoy mad, but the two decided that a real romantic relationship between them would simply not work. Harry would later become engaged to Nymphadora Tonks and the two eventually had twelve children, a large mansion, and lots and lotsof loud, hot sex that kept the neighbors awake (but, strangely enough, not their children).

Narcissa and Kingsley Shacklebolt soon had a steamy affair and married, Narcissa becoming a magical archaeologist and scholar while Shacklebolt remained an Auror.

When he heard the news, Lucius Malfoy committed suicide, leaving a brood of hideous snake/human hybrids behind (somehow). The "children" were released into the jungles of Africa and have not been seen since.

Severus Snape remained as the Potions Master of Hogwarts for some time, but abruptly retired when Hermione Granger Lupin joined the faculty as the new Professor of Transfiguration. He went to live in his parent's basement and has yet to come out.

Remus Lupin and Hermione Granger were married shortly after the MoM edict and have remained happily together, producing two children. After the cleverest witch of the age figured out a cure for lycanthropy, the happy couple had six more. Both currently teach at Hogwarts, Mrs. Lupin as the Transfiguration teacher, and Mr. Lupin in his old position as DADA instructor. Hermione is the current head of Gryffindor House, while Remus has taken on the duties as head of Slytherin house, a decision that has helped eased a great deal of inter-house strains. Plus, Messr. Moony was a celebrity in more than just one house.

Virginia Weasley and Joshua Anderson married without much fanfare, and soon moved to America, where they became the official American Wizard Ambassadors to the Goblin Confederacy. He and his wife soon organized a ground-breaking treaty that allied the Muggle United States and the Goblins, which (in return for some magic, knowledge, and Osama bin Laden) granted the goblins lucrative asteroid mining contracts and full sentient rights under American law. Though derided as traitors by the International Wizenmagot, the United States Muggle government and the Goblins gave Mr. And Mrs. Anderson great tributes and awards for their efforts, and soon retired to a private villa in Florida. They have yet to produce grandchildren, a fact that has made Molly Weasley, Ginny's mother, absolutely furious.

Professor Dumbledore and Professor McGonnagal married and retired to the Bahamas, after making Professor Flitwick the new Headmaster. Anything further from the happy couple has been censored for the sake of everyone.

Ronald Weasley and Pansy Parkinson were forced to marry due to an unexpected pregnancy (which REALLY made Molly go off, I can tell you). Nevertheless, the two managed to find love and had a happy (if sometimes noisy) marriage.

Finally, Draco Malfoy had a drunken night of passion with Parvati Patil that he never did live down. He makes his living as a male model and sometimes male escort, much to the amusement of his mother and the spinning of his father's grave.

Eventually, Harry Potter simply got the Muggle government to launch an air strike against Voldemort, and while the Dark Lord lay dying in the rubble, Harry set off a pipe bomb in his face, along with the other Horcruxes, and ended his reign forever.

And then he went home to his wife to start work on a fifteenth child.

To which Padfoot and Prongs cheered happily, until an exasperated Lily tugged them by their halos away.

And thus, everyone (more or less) lived or died happily ever after.

****

WHEW! That felt good!


End file.
